


Moments of Heaven

by Charlie9646



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Bisexual Characters, Drinking, F/M, HEA, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Kissing, Loss, M/M, Memory Charms, Mental Illness, Mourning, Multi, Nymphadora Tonks Lives, Remus Lupin Lives, Severus Snape Lives, Triad - Freeform, parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:20:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23297668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charlie9646/pseuds/Charlie9646
Summary: Severus and Remus found each other at one of the worst moments of either of their lives. But, when you have an essential role to play - a spy - in the war you can't have someone who loves you.Remus moved on -  fell in love again - but Severus knows the reason why. When all hope seems lost can things change?
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks, Remus Lupin/Severus Snape, Remus Lupin/Severus Snape/Nymphadora Tonks
Comments: 50
Kudos: 106
Collections: Harry Potter - Remus Lupin centric, Remus/Snape, Sing Me a Rare: The Mash-Ups





	Moments of Heaven

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my Beta RoseHaperMaxwell

Severus Snape had never been a religious man. If he were to reflect upon why, it would go back to his childhood. He observed his father put so much feeling into the practice of religion. Yet the same man would react later that Sunday - not even waiting until Monday - with such utter violence toward his wife and son. 

His father did not practice what he preached. Maybe that had something to do with the fact that his father saw them as less than human. The man once wondered if his wife and son had souls. Witches and wizards could be hurt - Severus guessed because they clearly weren't equal to muggles.

He rolled his eyes at such a thought. It didn't matter though. Soon he would learn if his father was right and there was such a thing as a God or if it was a fable created to bring people comfort. If it was true, Severus Snape believed he was going to hell. Heaven and the idea of such things were for people like Remus Lupin and his young wife, Dora Tonks. There had been a time that Severus had thought Lupin might be his. His to have and to love. But that was a lifetime ago. 

Severus took a sip of his firewhiskey and got lost in the memories. Back to a time in his life when it didn't feel as if he had a 45 resting on his temple, merely waiting for the right moment to blow out his brain. But if he just played his cards right, the world would go on after Severus himself was gone. He dared not to let anyone know his true loyalty - not because it would spell his own end, but because it would undermine all he was trying to accomplish.

* * *

Severus never dreamt that someone would love him the way Remus did, though maybe it was indeed only lust. However, like with his drink, he couldn't get enough. He wanted all of the man - every single bloody part of him. For once in his life, with Remus’s lips on his own, Severus felt truly alive. He felt loved and desired. He felt wanted. 

They lay in the bed in a tangle of sheets. But they had to keep it secret. If they didn’t, it would blow Severus’s cover like one of those silly muggle toys his mother could never afford to buy him. He knew no good would come of this, and yet he could not give it up. Remus John Lupin was his escape - the healing balm on his soul.

Remus kissed and nibbled on his neck. “How did I not realise how wonderful you are, Severus?” 

Severus could feel the man’s morning wood pressing against his ass. He wondered if this was what all of his classmates felt as they hooked up and did Merlin knew what. If it was, he wished he wouldn't have waited so long to enjoy it. 

“You were too busy following Potter and Black around like some lost puppy.” He snarled with quite a bit of jealousy in his voice. 

"Ah. Back to being your typically pleasant self, aren't you, Sev?”

"If my mood is what attracts you, Remus, it might be best to find someone else,” muttered Severus. "I have to deal with the brats who seem to by their very nature have a death wish. Their goal is to blow themselves to bits, so they don't have to take their OWLs or NEWTs.”

"I doubt that, Severus. I would bet they simply are confused by that voice of yours.” Remus pulled him closer and leaned over him. "But you know what, Professor Snape? The only thing hotter than your voice is the sound you make when you lose yourself.”

The twenty-two-year-olds took pleasure from each other’s bodies, forgetting for just a few moments the world around them. The world that surely would never understand their desire for each other. The world that saw Remus as a monster who wasn't even worth putting to death. And Severus as a dark wizard, a traitor, a man whose very presence evoked hostility from those around him. None of that mattered in that bed, and regularly Severus wished he could live in that moment over and over.

But it was not possible to exist in memories and forget to live - no matter how much one desired to do just that.

* * *

Severus hated to pull that memory from his mind - it was one of his most treasured. But he needed to remove it to protect the man he once loved from the Dark Lord. That did not change the fact that he felt as if he was ripping his very soul apart. 

The mind did not like one to take the same memories from it too often - it tended to push back against the process. It was not painful per se, though even if it was, his pain had been a constant companion for as long as he could remember. Severus might have also preferred physical pain. The emotional strain of removing them was something far worse than, say, a broken bone, or even a large gash. 

The pain resulted from the fact that he was stricken with feeling _something._ He had long since put up the walls on such foolish things. Severus was feeling emotions - real and genuine emotions. The invulnerable walls of his own mind no longer blocked them. It was as raw as the blade of a dagger cutting through his very heart. 

Severus desperately wanted to quit. He wanted to stop swimming through the ashes of what had once been his life. But, like all the things he had done since falling on his knees before Albus Dumbledore when he was only twenty years old, Severus knew he must continue. He must bear it no matter how much it hurt him. 

Severus poured more firewhiskey into his glass. The bottle was still half full, but he had many memories yet to get through. 

* * *

This one wasn't as happy as the last - this was while he was still at school. Back when Severus would have never dreamt that Remus Lupin, of all people, might one day want him. But then again, he didn't accept at the time that he was attracted to the man either. Or men at all. The truth was, at that time, feeling anything of the sort - at least if his father would have known - would have gotten his back flayed open with the end of a belt.

Assuming that his love of Lily - the desire to be close to her, the attraction - was far simpler, not to mention far safer. But, looking back with the eyes of an adult, this was the first time he had shown signs of attraction to Lupin. It wasn't exactly a happy memory; it was far more of what could be called merely comfortable. But, for someone like Severus, a memory like this might as well be a happy one. 

Severus was in the library, where he spent most of his time after he and Lily had stopped speaking. He had given up on trying to get her to forgive him - even Severus could see it was a lost cause, no matter how heartbreaking it might be. He sat at a table and opened the book in front of him, ignoring the other students that were there. They quickly left when they realised who Severus was. They were two Ravenclaws, which made Severus think he must be more of a leper than he realized. 

The library was rather crowded, but that might have had to do with the fact that NEWTs were breathing down their necks. At least Severus had a table to himself, though.

"Can I sit here?” 

Severus looked up, and into the face of Remus Lupin. 

"There must be somewhere else?” Severus muttered. "You should go find it.”

"There isn't, Snape,” Remus said. "And I really need to study.”

"Snape is it, now? Now that you need something from me?”

"Severus, I don't hate you.”

"Well you do a rather magnificent job of showing that, now don't you Lupin?” Severus snarled like some angry, half-drowned, cornered cat. "You and your mates found me regularly, cursing me only because I exist? That is a lovely way to show someone you don't hate them. A real charmer, you are. You should win an award for it. Getting into the knickers of the prettiest girl at Hogwarts - she’s right over there. Go claim your prize, why don't you?”

"Must you be so insufferable?” Remus muttered. 

"Must you be so dense?” Severus sighed loudly. 

“It takes one to know one, Severus.”

"Will you shut it, Lupin, if I say that you can sit here?”

Remus nodded and then sat down. 

Severus tried desperately to pay attention to his book and the studying he needed to do. But he could not help but stare at Remus, who seemed engrossed in his own school work. He barely paid Severus any mind. 

The other boy was beautiful, even with scars, in the way only another boy could be. The squareness of his jaw, the way his sandy blond hair fell into his bright blue eyes, the little smile on his pink lips. There was something about Remus Lupin, something that shone through him that had little to do with his good looks. Something that Severus knew he himself lacked. 

"You know, you are handsome when you smile,” said Remus, a smile on his own lips. “It makes you look kinder.”

Severus felt his face heat up. He knew full well his cheeks and ears were at least pink - likely red. 

"I don't like boys!” Severus snapped, lying to Remus just as he lied to himself. He then whispered so only the other man might hear. "It’s wrong; it's a sin; the only thing worse is being a werewolf, Lupin. You can have the table. I no longer need it.”

Later that evening, it was not thoughts of faceless girls or Lily Evans that filled Severus’s mind as he touched himself, but those of Remus. He felt nothing but shame at his fantasies. Severus knew the only thing worse than being a half-blood or muggleborn was to be gay. Men and women were supposed to be together to have children; both the wizarding and muggle world knew that. 

Still, Remus Lupin was handsome, if you had a thing for the rugged type - and Severus did. But it didn't matter. Men shouldn't be together.

* * *

The only thing worse than getting together at a wedding was getting together at a funeral. Remus saw him standing at the back of the church. He wore the same thing he always had since they left Hogwarts: all black. But at least in this situation, it fit quite well. 

Severus Snape looked like some strange creature of the night. Or better yet, a man who was falling apart at the seams. He was not crying like the rest of the crowd, but from the way he clenched the top of the pew in front of him, Remus knew the man had nearly reached his breaking point. This was something the werewolf himself knew all too well. He had long since fallen off that cliff in his own mind.

Remus did not know what drew him to the man who had once been his enemy, but Snape seemed to call him like a siren’s song. Or better yet, like the devil himself. He shouldn't have listened to whatever it was - though looking back, it was as if he had no choice. As if he was a puppet, and someone else was pulling his strings. 

Remus walked over to the boy - now a man - who haunted his dreams. The one he had allowed his friends to bully. He did not know what he expected or what he hoped for, but if all that happened was Severus gave him a verbal lashing, at least then Remus might feel something. "Lily would be happy you’re here, Severus,” Remus said to the other man. "I know you weren't close in the end, but she hoped one day to mend your friendship into something again.”

“You're a horrible liar, Lupin,” Severus snarled with far more bite than he ever had when they were teenagers. "I know how she felt about me. There is no need to lie to me to save my feelings. I am not some foolish Hufflepuff. Anyway, funerals are not for the dead - they are for the living. Even if Lily wanted me here, Potter's hatred of me would surely overwhelm such a thing. His ghost would chuck me out quicker than you can say Quidditch.”

Remus reached out and brushed his tan hand over Severus’s pale one. He rubbed small circles on the top of it, without thought. Then as if a dam had broken, Severus howled like an injured animal, his lean body folding in on itself. Tears streamed down his pale cheeks. He looked like some invisible force was trying its very best to kill him. Severus looked as Remus felt.

Remus wrapped his arms around the other man. They sat there in the back of the church, Severus and Remus, crying for all they had lost and all that was to come. Red and white roses rested on the caskets of the Potters. They reminded Remus of blood and death, but also love - the love that his friends had shared, and the love that they had shared with others. 

White lilies sat next to Severus. Beautiful white lilies that sat there wilting. The moment you cut a flower, it starts to die. Not unlike people - as soon as we are born, we are one step closer to death, thought Remus, so all we can do is live in the moment. Death happens to all, but genuinely living comes to those who choose to. 

* * *

Remus pushed Severus on the bed in the man’s home. They had come back to the house after the funeral, and then proceeded to get shit-faced drunk - on cheap beer and firewhiskey. It was just sex. Even if he hoped it was more, he was going to take what he could get. Maybe that made him pathetic. 

Severus reached in his bedside table, digging out a condom and lube. 

"Have you done this before?” Remus whispered. "I have a vague idea of what to do, but not more than that.” The alcohol made him honest - even downright loose-tongued. 

"Once. I have done this once before.” Severus said, his own black eyes shut. Black hair hanging into his face. It wasn't greasy, but clean. Remus leaned down to kiss him. Fingers tangled into the hair at the nape of Severus’s neck. It was as soft as it looked. 

"You don't know how long...I have wanted you,” muttered Remus. "Will you show me how to do this?” There was something so utterly dangerous about what they were about to do. It felt good, wonderous even - but that didn't make it not scary. There was no going back from having sex. It did not matter if they never spoke again - they would know a part of each other few had known or would ever know. 

But Remus had been into this man since he was fourteen years old. He had never admitted such a thing to even his closest friends, fearful of how they might react. That Remus, too, would become a target of their pranks. Looking back, Remus realised that he had been a fool. He stared down at the naked man before him. 

Severus’s pale skin shone like ivory in the dim light. His hair was as black as midnight. His limbs were long and lean, but still lightly muscled. Beyond his groin, under his arms and his head, very little hair marred his body. But the dark mark seemed to kick his mind straight back into reality. The feral part of his mind screamed. How dare someone else - that monster - claim this man as his own? 

Severus Snape was his, and now more than ever he wanted to show the man just that. “Tell me how, Severus? Tell me what I should do.”

“Lube on your fingers - inside me. Stretch me a little. Then put it on your cock.” Severus muttered through clenched teeth. “Then get on with it, and bloody well fuck me, you cocktease.”

Remus coated his fingers with the lube. Severus bent his knees and lifted his bum, hissing at the feeling. “Merlin, it’s been too long.” 

“God. You’re so tight,” Remus muttered. 

Severus stared at him with those coal-black eyes. “Now put it on yourself! And put it inside of me. Now.”

“Yes, sir.” Remus coated his cock and slipped inside the other man. He lifted one of Severus’s long legs over his shoulder. The man reached out and brushed his cheek with long pale fingers. 

"So full, Remus, Gods. Move, please.”

They met each other like dancers, each movement bringing them closer to their finish. Remus leaned over the other man and kissed him. He plunged his tongue into Severus’s mouth. He tasted like firewhiskey, and maybe sadness. 

Severus jerked himself off, seeking out his own pleasure, and dragging Remus along with him.

***************************

Severus woke up with a splitting headache and Remus’s arm wrapped around him. Light streamed through the window, showing how dark and gloomy his bedroom was. He felt lovely like this, loved and cherished. It was a fallacy though, in its very nature. 

Remus pulled him closer and kissed his neck. "Good morning, Sev.”

"I am shocked you are still here, Lupin.”

"Why is that?” Remus asked. "I like you, Severus. Always have, and likely always will.”

“You have a rather funny bloody way of showing.” Severus reached for his pack of cigarettes and lit one. Then he pulled out two hangover potions, and tossed one to Remus. “I’m not gay, you know that, right?”

“Neither am I,” Remus muttered. He took the hangover potion. “Can I have a cigarette?”

“Yes.”

“I am bisexual, actually. Or I think that’s what muggles call it, Severus.” Remus asked, “What do you think you are?”

“Merlin only knows,” Severus said. “Honestly, I am not someone who has been with that many people. Men or women. I don’t tend to be someone people find attractive.”

“I find you attractive,” said Remus, with a seriousness to his tone. “I always have. Your voice, your skin, your eyes, and - as much it drives me crazy - your willingness to be brutally honest. I am not much to look at either, though. And then there’s the furry problem.”

Severus laughed, his tone mocking and cruel. "You? You don't see yourself clearly, Remus Lupin.”

"Neither do you, Severus Snape.”

"There is a potion that could help your furry problem.”

"I know, but it's far too expensive.” 

"Not if you're fucking a potions master, it's not,” muttered Severus. "I could make it for you if you want me to.”

"I would forever be in your debt, Severus,” said Remus. "I would be utterly grateful if you did.” 

"Then it's settled. I will start on it tomorrow,” said Severus. "But Lupin, this is just sex - nothing more. Understood?”

"Understood.”

A small part of both of them died at those words, though neither would admit such a thing - to anyone, not even themselves.

* * *

Severus and Remus sat across from each other in a muggle cafe. It wasn't just sex, no matter what they said to each other. They loved each other, even though neither had voiced such feelings to one another. They believed the other did not feel the same, and to voice their feelings would be to lose the other. So they stood on the edge of a cliff at an impasse. Unable to change anything until they decided to be courageous.

“Want to go for a walk by the river?” Remus asked, nervous about the response he would receive. 

"Do you think that's a good idea?” Snape said as he raised one eyebrow. "Someone might see, and it's rather cold.”

"Someone might see us here,” Remus deadpanned. "Come on Severus, live a little. What's the worst that could happen? Time to learn to be a little bit dangerous.”

Severus laughed and then snorted, "Lupin, you don't know what danger really even is. I wouldn't play with things you don't honestly even understand.”

"I know what danger is, Severus.” Remus whispered in his ear, brushing the man’s black hair away. "I happen to fuck someone regularly who seems to understand darkness rather well.”

Severus made the mistake of taking a sip of his tea at the exact time Remus spoke. It caused him to cough and breathe heavily. 

“Will you not ever say anything like that again if I agree to go on that walk with you?”

Remus had a mischievous look on his face and smiled his crooked smile. 

"Of course. Let's go.”

Severus groaned, but followed after him. Remus was the best thing that had ever happened to him, even if sometimes he drove him nuts.

* * *

Dumbledore had insisted Severus do this; he didn't want to. It felt as if he was shattering his own soul into a million pieces. But, Severus had to - to protect Lily’s son, and even Remus himself. The Potter boy was starting at Hogwarts soon, and it was his protection that he needed to focus on. No matter how much it hurt. No matter how much it felt like someone - no, like _he_ was ripping out his own very heart, and stomping on it. 

They were lying in bed, blankets wrapped around them, trying to keep out the cold of his home. The place had always been dark and dank. Downright uncomfortable, even. But Remus Lupin seemed to bring the light in with him every single time he visited. The werewolf - no matter what happened - always tried to look at it from a brighter side. Sometimes it drove Severus nuts, sometimes it made him want to scream and other times - well, he wouldn't dare admit it, but it seemed to help drag him into the light of day. And that was the thing he would never forget about Remus.

It was the thing that Severus was going to try to hold onto after he used the spell to make the man forget their relationship. After Remus’s own memories were locked up in a box, high up on a shelf. Left for him - no one else. Maybe there would come a day that he could give them back to Remus, but would the man ever truly forgive him for such a thing if he did? 

Remus might be a Gryffindor, but he was not that forgiving. No one was. But they were Remus’s memories, and Severus promised himself one day he would return them or have them returned to Remus. The man deserved at least that. 

Severus reached for his wand on his bedside table to do the spell, but then Remus spoke, "How do you think Harry is?”

His wand clattered to the floor. Severus reached for it and then tucked it quietly under his pillow. He did not want this to be their last conversation, but then again, he didn't want to do this at all. They would speak again, but not like this ever again. Even if he returned the man’s memories, the openness they had at this moment would never survive his actions that were to come. 

"I think Potter is doing well,” he muttered. "Surely Dumbledore wouldn't put him with anyone horrible.”

"He’s being raised by Lily’s sister, from what I have heard from Professor McGonagall,” Remus sighed. "Didn't you and Lily grow up near each other? And weren’t you friends? You knew her sister - what is she like?”

"It was a long time ago, Remus,” Severus muttered, turning away from the man. "She did not like me, but that likely had little to do with magic and more to do with the fact that I did not like her very much. I was rather cruel to Petunia as well. I also had a slightly different upbringing than the sisters. I was a dirty street rat. I doubt even Petunia would treat her nephew that way. Harry Potter has a good childhood; I doubt Albus Dumbledore would allow for anything less.”

Remus kissed Severus’s hair and whispered, “You know I love you, Severus, right?” 

"I do too, Remus.” Severus felt as if he was drowning. He couldn't do this. He couldn't do this. How was he going to do this? Remus deserved better. Severus wanted to tell Dumbledore where to shove it. But he remembered Lily’s dead body - she was barely even twenty-one, and yet she was gone. The only living piece of her was her son, and he had to protect him.

So Severus wrapped his arms around the man, waiting for Remus to ease back into slumber. He could barely breathe. He was crossing a line. Tears were unshed in his black eyes. He reached for his wand and whispered the spell - the one of Dumbledore’s creation. Stripping the memories of their time together, and planting the memory of this being just a one night stand. Adding the thought that the man never wanted to repeat this.

He then escaped from his own bed, pulled on his sleep clothes and fled to his first love - brewing. 

* * *

Severus sat at the order meeting, trying his best to ignore Remus and Black, though it was for very different reasons. Molly Weasley insisted he stay for dinner, and tonight he was far too tired to fight her on the subject. 

He kept his eyes down; Black was straight as a board. He had no fear of the two men being together. Black stared at him across the table and snarled. Severus reached out for his glass of firewhiskey; he took a sip and raised one eyebrow at Sirius. He then stood, leaving an unfinished dinner on the table. 

Severus should have apparated straight home, but instead, he stood on the stoop smoking a cigarette. Sirius Black followed him out, his boots hitting the stone steps loudly. 

"You will stay away from Remus,” Black snapped. "I know something was going on between you, even if he will not tell me exactly what.”

"There was nothing going on with us,” Severus snapped. "I have no interest in lying with a man, even less so if he is a monster, but you wouldn't know that, would you? A dog doesn't know the difference between himself and another beast.” 

Sirius snatched Severus’s cigarette from his lips and took a puff of it. "Like I said, stay away from Remus. He doesn't need a bastard like you.”

"Black, my parents were married when I was born.” Severus rolled his eyes. "Don’t know if you can say the same though - your mother wasn't even out of Hogwarts when you were born.”

"Stay away from Remus Lupin!” Sirius screamed, seeming somewhat deranged - more than usual. "He doesn't need to be tainted by you. He's too good for you.”

"Whatever, Black.” Severus apparated away.

Fuck, he thought, his hand resting on the wall when he landed in his own home. It was spring break, after all. What did Black know, and why the bloody hell couldn't the man just keep his mouth shut? Whatever Severus had with Remus was the past, and that's where it should stay. He thought back to the memories, Remus’s, kept in a box in his office. Dumbledore wanted him to destroy them. Severus would not dare do such a thing. 

So the memories sat - waiting - for the time the Boy Wonder killed the Dark Lord and life could go back to the way it once was. Though Severus had never truly experienced such a life. He had dreamt of it long ago with Remus, but now Severus hoped that he would just be able to see the end of the war. Most of all, he hoped Remus would see the end of the war. 

* * *

Severus saw them together, Remus and Tonks - hand in hand. They seemed so into each other. He knew he shouldn't judge them; it was he who removed Remus’s memories of him. The man did not even know he was moving on from him, so it was not like he was cheating. They likely would have broken up before now anyway. Or at least that's what Severus told himself.

He had no right to be jealous of a woman being with a man he had no relationship with anymore. Severus wondered to himself, then why did it hurt so much? Why did it feel like Tonks had stolen something from him? That was why he lashed out at the woman.

"Your former Patronus, Tonks, was far better,” Severus snapped. "You now have a monster as yours. It might make someone think you're sleeping with an animal.”

"That really isn't any of your business now, is it, Severus?” Tonks snapped back. "And don’t use that word to describe Remus.”

"Monster or animal?”

"Either!” Dora snarled. "How dare you call him such things? Maybe that's the reason you are alone - because you can't respect other people, it seems.”

Severus spun away from her, nearly throwing his information at Dumbledore. No, he thought to himself. I am alone because of the need to protect Potter, because of the headmaster, and you Tonks, because of you. I loved him once, and he loved me, but it's not like I can tell you that. You don't know how lucky you are. If I could have done anything to make it not so, I wouldn't have sent him away. It should be me who he loves, not you. 

Whatever had happened to his heart? He was swallowed by the pain of all that it could have been. He had to keep these feelings; no one could know. Severus had to hide them behind harsh words and anger.

He fled from the Weasley’s home, trying to get out of there as quickly as possible. Severus felt as if the memories of the past were chasing him. Remus stared at him, sharp blue eyes, scarred face, and patchy robes. Severus’s heart cried out for him to run to the man and kiss him. 

* * *

The memories were now ripped from Severus’s own mind. He could vaguely remember them and hoped that pulling them would make it harder for Voldemort to find them. He cried as he drank the firewhiskey and curled up in a chair. He slipped his own memories in the box with Remus’s. Severus lit a cigarette, but craved something far more substantial. 

Severus thought back to one of the last good days he had with Remus. Kissing, sucking each other off, and then having sex on every single surface that they possibly could. That was happiness - this was hell.

He was now headmaster, though the first in the history of Hogwarts who did not want the job. Cigarette was ashed in the ashtray. Whiskey glass still half full, memory box put back on its shelf. 

Severus knew he would not see the end of the war. Part of him wanted Remus never to find the memories, but a small part hoped he would. As it stood, no one would miss him. Surely not the light side, which might still consider him a traitor. Or the dark, which cared for no one. 

Was the real hell being forgotten? It mattered little - soon the war would be over, and he would be finished. His Patronus - a German shepherd with her pricked ears and thoughtful eyes - took the sword of Gryffindor to the boy. Lily’s boy. Who may at the moment be thought of as The Boy Who Lived, but soon he too would likely be dead. 

Maybe one day the world would be a better place, a good place. A place where Remus Lupin could raise his son with Nymphadora. Where their boy Teddy would never have to pick a side. Where he would never have to lose people he loved. The boy would grow up in the world that so many had died for, and would die for still. 

Whatever had happened to his heart, wondered Severus. That which had loved Lily as a dear friend? Loved his mother? Loved Remus? It had inevitably been crushed between two sides, between the two stones of war. Severus was like the queen on a chessboard, saved for the right time to kill him off. He could make many moves, he could accomplish many things, but he would never be a critical piece on the board. His job was still to sacrifice himself to save the king. Though he should try to take out as many death eaters as possible as he did so. 

Severus Snape was no longer a person. Severus was simply a cog in a war machine, following a plan he had no part in writing. Not that anyone knew that. No one could. The death eaters and Voldemort could not find out where his true loyalty laid. 

Everyone was pointing their finger, always condemning him, and nobody knew what he truly believed. But that meant Severus’s actions had been precisely what they needed to be. He had been wrapped up with the guilt - guilt for having caused Lily’s death, for having removed Remus’s memories, but mostly for failing to protect his mother from his father. 

No good came out of his existence, and there would be no loss once he was gone. Severus desperately wished he could be okay with that as he curled up in his bed under the blankets, fire in the corner warming the room. It did not get rid of the chill from his bones, but that had little to do with the weather.

Soon he would learn if there was an afterlife, not that it mattered much to Severus either way. 

* * *

Severus gave the memories to Potter, and part of him knew he was going to die here - in the Shrieking Shack. The place where Black had sent him all those years ago to die. He had not even considered that by his actions he’d also been damning Remus. The man who Black claimed to love as a brother, and years ago, the man who Severus himself had grown to love as a lover. 

Was it karma? Poetic justice, for all of his crimes? Severus was not a monster. But even he admitted there were things he had done in his life that might make some view him as one. His boggart was not Dumbledore, Voldemort, his father or even Lily - it was Remus. Remus, asking him why he took his memories. 

The man was happy - truly, utterly happy. That made Severus hope Remus never found the memories, so he would not have the cross that he bore even with his dying breath. What could it have been? Could they have had a real life together? 

He could barely see anything now, but he swore he had a glimpse of a woman with bright pink hair and a man in brown patched robes. Potions were shoved down his throat, and when that failed, spelled straight into his stomach. Severus was cold - so utterly cold. 

Remus knelt next to him, rattling off orders that Severus could not hear, and then he whispered as he ran his tan fingers through blood-soaked hair. “I remember, you stupid fool. Your spell broke. I remember it all. I could smell you here, and if we can get you to help, Severus, you might just live.”

Severus tried to speak, to apologise, but his tongue felt like sandpaper and no sound came out. 

Tonks muttered, "Be quiet, you fool. Be quiet so we can help you!”

And then everything went black. Maybe he was dying, and Severus didn't know whether to be grateful or sad. He had not a drop of control anymore, and for once, he was thankful for that. His secrets were secrets no more.

* * *

Severus blinked in the bright lights of the hospital wing. His throat felt as if it had been set ablaze, but at least he was alive. He coughed, and an unseen person placed a glass with a straw next to him. 

The woman said, “Drink slowly. Your throat is still healing.”

He did what she said, taking a small sip. 

“You can speak, but try to do so quietly. That’s what Madam Pomfrey told me to tell you. No rambling on about brewing glory, Severus.”

Severus nodded and said to her, "Are you angry with me?”

Tonks brushed his hair out of his face. Her touch was tender - something he hadn't experienced in years. “Severus Snape, why would I be angry with you? Dumbledore forced you to remove Remus’s memories. He doesn't blame you either. Remus hasn't left your side since we brought you here. He's sleeping in the chair, and he growls anytime someone proposes that he go home. I haven't left either, but _he_ loves you. Therefore, I do, too.”

“He’s your husband, and he still loves me. Dora, why don't you hate me?” Severus asked. “Most people would want to chuck me off the astronomy tower.” He coughed again, causing Remus to wake up. The man jolted awake like a dog who had been jabbed in the side. He reached for Severus’s hand and clutched it tightly. 

It made Severus’s heart feel warm and loved.

Tonks leaned over him; her pink waves brushed against him. She smelled like lavender, a smell that took him back to his sixth year potions class. The only scent in his Amortentia that didn't smell like Remus was lavender. It might be silly, but it brought him comfort.

“Severus Snape, you will quickly learn one thing about me. I am not like everyone else,” said Tonks. “And it's Tonks, not Dora. We are an odd trio, but I think we can make a go of it if you want to. But let's talk about that when you are well.”

“Can I lay next to you?” Remus asked as if he was nervous. His hands twitched and his eyes were downcast as if he was worried about what the other man might say to him. “I love you, Severus, and I missed you so much. But I understand if you don't want me to.”

Severus couldn't speak it, his own nerves terrifying him. But he nodded.

Remus laid down on the cot and took Severus into his arms, and for once in a long time, he felt truly safe and loved. Maybe Tonks was right - they could make a go out of whatever this was.

* * *

It had taken months for Severus to get out of the hospital wing, and then many more months of rehab. He would never be the same. Though in some ways that wasn't such a bad thing. Remus loved Tonks - it was clear as day. But he also loved Severus. He had gotten drunk on the anniversary of the battle and told them both to please not make him choose, because he couldn't.

So they tried to make this work, whatever this was. First just them separately with Remus. Then they tried to get to know each other, finding that oddly enough, they too had feelings for each other. Looking back, it was the best thing that had ever happened. Four years later they were a family, something Severus had assumed he would never have. But it was something he would die or even kill to protect.

Today was Teddy’s fourth birthday. There had been friends, presents, brightly colored decorations and photos of a little boy with hair all colors of the rainbow. Tonks cleaned up as Remus put dinner away. Severus sat in his armchair by the fire, tired from the eventful day. 

The woman he loved turned to him and said, “It's your turn to tuck Teddy in tonight.”

Severus nodded and stood. He went over and kissed Tonks, and held her close. Her lips tasted like her tea from dinner. She whispered to him, “Join us in bed when you are finished with Teddy’s story.”

Then he walked over to Remus, who was now washing dishes, and wrapped his arms around the man. Remus leaned back into him and sighed. They would spend their night enjoying each other’s bodies. But first there was something he had to do. 

Severus leaned heavily on his cane as he made his way up the stairs. He quietly entered the room of the boy who was his son in all but blood. “Teddy, are you still awake?”

"Yes, papa. Please tell me a story?”

“What story would you like to hear, pup? The one about the werewolf? What about uncle Harry’s adventures? Or the one about the little prince?”

Teddy giggled, “Mum and daddy always tell those stories. I want to hear about the wizard and the day he met the witch.”

Severus laughed and sat down in the rocking chair in the corner. “But Teddy, surely there are far better stories I can tell you. You know that story by heart now.”

“It's my favourite, Papa,” Teddy said, as he sat up a little in bed. “And I know you love telling it.”

“I do, son, but maybe we can tell it together this time?” Severus smiled. This was nothing like teaching children potions. Teddy loved him, and he loved Teddy. “Want me to start?”

"Yes.”

“Once there was a lonely little wizard who met a little girl with hair that was as red as Gryffindor’s house crest. She lived near the lonely little wizard, and she played regularly with her sister. Though he was not meant to be in Gryffindor house, one day he finally got the courage to speak to her...”

This is what love is, thought Severus. Family. And if all that had happened led him to this instant, he would do it all again. He continued with the story, knowing Teddy would be asleep already, but there would be other times to finish it. He had a lifetime to tell this story. Thankfully the gun pressed to his temple so long ago had been full of blanks. His father was wrong. There was no heaven, and there was no hell. Both were right here on earth. 

  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
